Things That Piss Me Off

In All Seriousness #4

Sources:

U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. (2022). Social anxiety disorder: More than just shyness. National Institute of Mental Health. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/social-anxiety-disorder-more-than-just-shyness

When I was a kid, I would walk into class and feel like everyone’s eyes were on me, even if they weren’t. This made me overthink every stray hair, every wrinkle in my shirt, and pretty much every minor insecurity. For the longest time, I believed this was how everyone felt and thought—until I was diagnosed with anxiety.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve noticed the significant impact anxiety has had on my life—from struggles in relationships to insomnia affecting my schoolwork, and even panic attacks several times a week.

I’ve since learned that feelings of anxiety are quite normal and happen to everyone from time to time. However, when it starts to rule your life, that’s when it becomes a problem that needs your attention.

So, does anxiety rule mine? Sometimes, it certainly feels that way. But how do I learn to get through each day despite it? Well, let’s start with the basics. First, what exactly is anxiety, and how does it affect someone?

Anxiety is a natural response to stress, characterized by feelings of worry, fear, or unease. It can occur in reaction to certain situations, events, or perceived threats, and often triggers physical symptoms like a racing heart, restlessness, or muscle tension.

There are several types of anxiety disorders, but since this is my blog, I’ll be focusing on the ones I’ve personally experienced: Social Anxiety and Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD).

A person with social anxiety disorder feels symptoms of anxiety or fear in situations where they may be scrutinized, evaluated, or judged by others, such as speaking in public, meeting new people, dating, being on a job interview, answering a question in class, or having to talk to a cashier in a store. Doing everyday things, such as eating or drinking in front of others or using a public restroom, also may cause anxiety or fear due to concerns about being humiliated, judged, and rejected.

~ National Institute of Mental Health

 Generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) is characterized by excessive anxiety and worry about a variety of events or activities (e.g., work or school performance) that occurs more days than not, for at least 6 months. People with generalized anxiety disorder find it difficult to control their worry, which may cause impairment in social, occupational, or other areas of functioning.

~ National Institute of Mental Health

So now that we know what they are, what are some ways this has effected me personally?

Phone Calls: I’m twenty years old, and when someone calls me—except for a family member, partner, or close friend—I freak out a little. The same goes for when I have to make a phone call, whether it’s to schedule a doctor’s appointment, check if a restaurant has seating, call my boss about a work issue, or anything that doesn’t involve that small list of people. It all starts with my stomach dropping, followed by sweating and my hands shaking uncontrollably. If I answer or make the call, my voice becomes small, and my throat feels clogged, making me stutter over my words. I often forget what I’m supposed to say because everything starts to feel like it’s closing in on me, and my heart pounds so loudly I’m sure others can hear or feel it. This is something I really struggle with, and will often times opt for anything but making/accepting that call.

Public Speaking: This one is definitely more common, but it belongs here anyway. As a college student, I have a lot of experience with it, and supposedly, facing the things that give you anxiety is supposed to help. But every time I’m asked to speak in front of people, I become completely disoriented. Before I speak, my heart pounds so hard that my desk feels like it’s shaking, and I feel like everyone can hear and see it the way I can. Then, when I talk, I slowly start to lose focus, the room starts looking darker and I can barely see because my thoughts are so loud and then my brain just shuts off. I end up rambling about irrelevant things, and then I can’t stop thinking about it for years afterward. I have missed several classes, barely getting by because I will simply not go sometimes if my anxiety gets too bad.

Friends: I mentioned that my friends are some of the only people who break my no-call policy, but sadly, that list is very short. Most of my friends, I actually struggle with calling and meeting up. It’s only the ones I’m really close to that I can talk to without feeling anxious. I’ve had a friend I’ve been close to since I was fourteen, and we used to call all the time. But after a year or two of drifting apart, I now struggle to make plans, and we don’t really call anymore. Every time I get the chance, I start to freak out.

Making new friends? A nightmare. I constantly worry that I’m pressuring people to hang out, so I never end up asking. Then, I worry that I’m annoying them with my conversations and that I seem stupid or extra when I talk to them. People I meet in class? I absolutely refuse to speak to them first. So I just wait and hope maybe they will say something about it.

Public Places: Again, I’m twenty, and going to the grocery store by myself still gives me anxiety. There are very few things I don’t get anxious about doing alone, and those are mostly in my small hometown, where I know everyone. In Fargo, where I go to school, there’s no reprieve. Family Fare? Anxiety. Any gas station? Anxiety. OK Tires? Anxiety. I still go to these places, but only out of necessity—and I certainly don’t enjoy it.

New Things: New things in general just don’t mix well with my anxiety, even if sometimes I end up enjoying them. One instance where I did enjoy something was this summer when I went bowling with some friends. I ended up having such a great time that I would do it again, even if it wasn’t with the same group. The problem is, I just have a hard time getting myself to try something for the first time. Sometimes, I physically can’t make myself do it, even if I wanted to beforehand, or even if I know I might regret not doing it later. There have been times where I got dressed up and ready for certain things (the one in mind is a halloween party with a couple close friends) and I was doing so well until me and my ex-partner had to leave, then I got so anxious I threw up and told everyone I had a migraine so I didn’t have to go.

Hibachi: So this one is super specific but needs it’s own category. The first time I ever went to a hibachi restaurant I was with my father and decided then and there it was NOT for me. A few years went by and I went on a double-date to another one and I wanted to give it another chance, turns out it wasn’t because of first-time anxiety, I just can’t enjoy a meal if people are expecting me to catch broccoli in my mouth while everyone else is watching. A complete nightmare honestly. Never once have I enjoyed it.

Random Things: Sometimes I just get anxiety because I can. I will have something that has never bothered me before and I will be sitting down and my brain will decide that that moment is the time to spiral about it. This ranges from big things like finances to small things like my clothes and how I feel like I have no sense of style. This tends to be more of the inconvenient things with my anxiety because it usually just immobilizes me for a while until I can calm myself down.

I think that the hardest part of anxiety is definitely knowing I have it, and being able to recognize that it doesn’t just limit me. It limits everyone around me too. And people always ask why it’s so hard to so such simple tasks and I never truly have a good answer, well, besides that my brain just wants to make every task an adventure.

So how do I get through every day?

Well, I truly only do it because I have to. I can recognize when I am about to have an anxiety attack about something, and I have learned if I just give myself a second, and think about how I perceive other people. Do I notice every little detail? nope. So why would they?

Anxiety is difficult. One of those super isolating things that makes simple things in life harder than they need to be, but it doesn’t mean that someone with anxiety is a hinderance, and there are people out there who can help you push your limits without making you feel worthless or judged.