Shitless Topic #1: Winter
What’s your favorite season?
If you say winter, you’re wrong.
Or maybe you have an excuse because you live somewhere warm, where winter is just a nice break from the heat, unlike my home in North Dakota, where God ‘blessed’ us with -25 degrees (with windchill, of course) and a winter that lasts from October to April—sometimes even longer.
“I can’t put my arms down!”
– Ralphie, ‘A Christmas Story’
Why is this my ‘shitlist’ topic of the day?
First, because it’s January and I attend a university that apparently doesn’t believe in parking lots—unless you pay an arm and a leg for a parking pass—I have about a mile walk to campus each day. Not only does the cold cripple me, but I also have to brave the dangers of walking on wonderfully icy sidewalks. And icey sidewalks = tripping, which leads to death, or in worse cases, immense embarrassment.
Second, my fucking car hates the cold too. When she decides she’d rather die than run—which is literally her only job—I have to jump-start her in the winter wonderland that is my apartment parking lot. Then, if I’m lucky, I have to wait 15–30 minutes for her to warm up before I can drive, which means multiple trips outside, planning way ahead of time, and freezing my ass off every time I check to make sure no one has stolen her (story for another time). Eventually, I have to re-park her somewhere else, giving her yet another opportunity to play the part of the dramatic damsel in distress. This has resulted in me reviving her in various parking lots, only to wait once again for her to warm up.
Third, my body literally can’t stand it. I have this spectacular thing called Raynaud’s disease. It’s an autoimmune condition that basically causes my blood circulation to give up whenever I get cold. This can be triggered by outside temperatures, a sudden drop in temperature (like from air conditioning—my worst enemy), cold drinks, ice cream, and more. The result? My hands and feet turn white from lack of blood flow, I experience body pain, unexplained bruising, immense fatigue, and, naturally, a deep hatred for the cold.
Fourth, winter ruins everything. When I say North Dakota winters last from October to April, I’m not kidding. I’ve spent many Halloween nights in beautiful costumes that took days to plan and hours to put on, only to end up getting a coat slapped on that covers the entire thing. I’ve also spent many birthdays stuck inside because of several feet of snow—most memorably my sweet 16 (my birthday is in April). To be fair, that one wasn’t entirely winter’s fault, as it also happened during the pandemic. But waking up to three feet of snow in my yard, preventing me from even enjoying a cozy evening by the fire, was not how I imagined my birthday would go. Not to mention the amount of dress-up occasions (Valentine’s Day, School Dances, etc.) that I have attended in absolutely stunning clothes, but the appeal was ruined when people looked down because I had become near-corpse colored in the freezing temperatures.
Fifth, NO WALKS. I’m very much a long-walks kind of gal, and even though North Dakota is known for its flat and empty terrain, I find that nice walks with the sun setting behind the trees are probably my favorite pastime. Whether it’s in a local park, a garden, around campus, or even just strolling through neighborhoods looking at houses, I love it. I’m not a people person, and this is how I get out of my apartment and experience the world around me. Winter? Well, that bitch takes that wonderful privilege away.
Sixth, snow days? I think not. Even after the pandemic, when schools could alternate between virtual and in-person education, my little hometown did NOT believe in snow days. There were times when it was so cold the buses didn’t run and half the roads in the county were under ‘No Travel Advised,’ but GOD FORBID we miss a day of classes! No, we somehow had to make it to school despite the long walk from the parking lot to the front doors of our high school—and that was if we could even find transportation that was running.
Seventh, runny-fucking-noses. This will be my last reason, but damn it, it’s probably the most important one. Anytime I go outside—even if it’s just for a few minutes—when I come back inside, my nose defaults to waterfall mode. This wouldn’t be a problem if every time my nose thawed I was at my cozy apartment next to tissues and a trash can, but sadly, that’s rarely the case. Instead, I’ve had to come up with a full system for dealing with Señor Faucet as soon as I walk into class, the store, or anywhere else. Because of this ‘system,’ I also have to remember to bring tissues, and if I forget, well, then I must sacrifice both my shirt sleeve and my dignity, because that’s my next best option. Gross right?
Needless to say, I would give up my left tit if it meant I never had to deal with winter again.
Things That Piss Me Off 
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